This Is What Narcissism Looks Like
The Blocked Weeks
Just a reminder: A**** is K****’s ex.
Thu, 11/15/18
09:19 PM: Quick question. Did you bring jas to the vet?
Rastal
10:12 PM: No, I got a humidifier and she’s getting better. Why?
Wed, 11/21/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Wed, 11/21/18 at 06:17 AM
Subject: Ah
Hey. I dont know who else to talk to. I want to move back to seattle. I needed to get away from the situation, but cmon- I hate this place. I’m already even more depressed.
Besides the point, I want to move back. And no one is supporting me in that. I know I have to wait a few months to get the funds back up.
I’m quitting weed. Officially. Living that that sober life. The biggest mistake so far is leaving seattle. I should’ve never left. I dont know what to do. I cant even talk t my best friend.
I’m not trying to get back together. I just wish we were friends. I know, I know we need to take time away from each other.
But I wanna go home, to seattle.
I’m gunna sell the car while I’m down here. I know you womt respond to this. And I have to start my “quit rastal” timer over.
I just worry about you. Are you feeling better? How’re my cats? Please don’t throw away my plants. I worry about your mental health and your physical health.
I was terrible to you. I know I want get you back as a partner, but you’re still my family. And you were the most supportive person in my life. I don’t want to lose that.
My goal is to move back before april. I’d like to move up in feb, but money and shit. I really fucked up moving back down here. I talked the whole trip down about how I didnt want to leave.
I’m sorry I left a pile of stuff in the living room. I didnt want to. But I ran out of space and my aunt wanted to leave you “something to do”. She got mad at me for telling you she stole tp. I’m reaching out to you because I want your advice or your wisdom. But I figure you wont respond. And that’s okay.
I just want to let you know I am moving back up.
Fri, 11/23/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Fri, 11/23/18 at 12:17 PM
Subject: Money saving deals for the cats
Flea collars on sale. This doesnt count as communication, it’s for the cats. Bye
Wed, 11/28/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Wed, 11/28/18 at 06:25 AM
Subject: Thinking of you.
I hope you’re doing well. I’m sure you’re done and annoyed with all my emails. What’s the point of deleting your number if I’m still doing this? I dont know.
I’m doing better. I hope you are too.
I miss you and your friendship, though I understand the need for separation.
I’ve taken a lot of pictures of things that made me think of you.
Have a happy holidays.
Thu, 11/29/18
From: Rastal
Date: Thu, 11/29/18 at 02:58 PM
Subject: Mail
Hey a few things showed up in the mailbox that didn’t seem like throwaway (credit card offers and whatnot), so I mailed them in a big envelope to your mom’s address.
From: s********@g********
Date: Thu, 11/29/18 at 03:08 PM
Subject: Re: Mail
Cool, thanks!
Sun, 12/02/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Sun, 12/02/18 at 10:05 AM
Subject: Fwd: Friendly Reminder: Rent Is Due!
Yo am I gunna get this everyday until rent is paid? Should I take my name off the lease? I’d like to unsubscribe, but I’m nervous if my name is on the lease and you need help paying rent. Thanks in advance.
Mon, 12/03/18
From: Rastal
Date: Mon, 12/03/18 at 09:53 AM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Friendly Reminder: Rent Is Due!
Just unsubscribe. They send this to everyone multiple times the first week of the month. My rent payment went through to them before they even sent this.
– Rastal 
From: s********@g********
Date: Mon, 12/03/18 at 10:48 AM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Friendly Reminder: Rent Is Due!
Lol. Dope.
I know its probably too early to ask, but are we on talking terms again? It’s cool if not.
From: s********@g********
Date: Mon, 12/03/18 at 03:33 PM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Friendly Reminder: Rent Is Due!
Yo, when I move up can I borrow/buy your sleeping bag if you still have it? If not no biggie. Just keeping some possible options open.
Tue, 12/04/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Tue, 12/04/18 at 08:34 AM
Subject: Re: Fwd: Friendly Reminder: Rent Is Due!
Bruh. T** fukking lied to me. Are we surprised? She offered the shift position to r****** and when I reached out to her she hasn’t responded.
Like. Fuck.
So now I’m wondering if I would’ve been promoted faster in fucking seattle. Shit.
From: s********@g********
Date: Tue, 12/04/18 at 04:15 PM
Subject: Bye
Rastal,
I know, I know. Leave you alone. I’m sorry.
I’ve been processing some things and I’m worried about you. I hope or wish you would seek therapy. Punching something because you were mad at me instead of talking to me was a little extreme. I put weed over our relationship because i took us for granted, I know that now. But I dont think it was all me. I think your mental health played a part. And i dont think it’s fair that you put all of it on me.
If I drive past the civic center I break down and cry. Certain songs play at work and I shut down. Listening to Off Book just makes me miss you. I’m sober now so I cant escape through drugs. I think things like was it because I was trans? Did you stop loving me? Was I just a place holder? Do you miss me?
I dont expect answers to these questions. I dont even expect a response. I thought that our break up was hard. But I moved back here to this miserable place, have had my gender insulted multiple times, lost all control and savings and then my best friend cut me out of his life. But see C***** does this shit. Where he emails and calls and blames everything on p****. I’m done with that. You want to act like we were nothing then fine. Because I cant do this anymore. Where I cry over you and beg forgiveness for my crimes against our relationship.
I’m not trying to get back with you or beg for your friendship anymore. Sure I miss you everyday, and I hope you’re doing okay. You’ll always be my family and in a special place in my heart.
I would like one day to be friends again, but I cant do this right now. If you want to know when I move back let me know. If you want to be friends again, let me know. But you probably wont respond because as my counselor says your mo is cutting people out. So I dont know.
I wish I knew how you were doing. But that makes me feel crazy so- if you’re gunna cut me out I have to let the idea of us being family and friends or anything at all go.
I’m always here for you if you ever need me. I’m just an email or phone call away.
Stay well and goodbye,
K****.
Sun, 12/09/18
A****
02:08 PM: Hey if k* called you to ask about temporarily housing g**** would you answer
Rastal
02:22 PM: No I wouldn’t
Tue, 12/11/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Tue, 12/11/18 at 04:02 PM
Subject: (No Subject)
Would you want to try counseling together?
From: s********@g********
Date: Tue, 12/11/18 at 06:15 PM
Subject: Actaully
Actually no. I dont want couples couples counseling. I dont want to send you a holiday card. You were a stepping g stone to my growth, but you are not my final destination.
I’m sorry I called you, I’m sorry I emailed you. I’m sorry that we cant be friends.
Fri, 12/14/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Fri, 12/14/18 at 12:33 PM
Subject: My plants
Can you ship my plants to *** ****** ******* ** ********* ** *****. I’ll pay shipping costs.
Thank you.
Wed, 12/19/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Wed, 12/19/18 at 01:39 PM
Subject: Student loan
I need you to check your voicemail. Or email me back. This is about the student loan we used to pay off the credit card. I didnt qualify for compassion withdrawal and now owe all of that money back.
I’m going to ask them about monthly plans and what to do about it. I’m also trying to qualify for aid somewhere else to maybe pay it off that way.
I dont want to pay off the entire 4000 by myself because we paid off debt with it.
We can be strictly professional, I can keep my emotions out of this completely. I’m really trying not to bother you. I’m not asking for this.
Sorry and thanks.
02:08 PM: Hey k*s last email is urgent regarding financials
From: Rastal
Date: Wed, 12/19/18 at 02:25 PM
Subject: Re: Student loan
I guess I’m confused as to how this is my problem since I’m already paying back $5600 of your student loans.
– Rastal
From: s********@g********
Date: Wed, 12/19/18 at 03:26 PM
Subject: Re: Student loan
I mean that’s aggressive. But, we used it to pay the credit card and I planned on paying for those loans from you. I guess I was just hoping for some help since we used the money for credit. But I’ll just pay for it. And I’ll pay the student loans when I can too.
Fri, 12/21/18
From: s********@g********
Date: Fri, 12/21/18 at 01:10 PM
Subject: I think you should get tested
I think you should see a professional about bipolar.
Its been on my heart and mind about the choices you’ve made and way you acted now that I’m not there everyday.
As an empathetic I soaked in your emotions and without you I’m doing much better. Sad, but that’s reasonable.
You’re tired of hearing from me I’m tired of pining. I’m deleting your email. Your number. All of it. You’re not who I loved.
I hope you seek professional help, and I wish I saw it while you were insured.
Tue, 01/01/19
From: s********@g********
Date: Tue, 01/01/19 at 05:31 AM
Subject: Internal screaming
You wont respond to this. But I need to know something.
Do you still love me and is there a chance we’ll ever get back together?
I’m doing all these things because i want to be with you (it’s a conflicting time because i miss you but this has hurt me alot and I shouldn’t want to be with you. But all I think about is you. And I cant lie anymore.)
I want you to be honest with me. I need it.
If you dont miss me, you dont love me, then fine. I’ll cry but honestly when dont I, you know? XD
If you do miss and love and blah then okay. I’ll let you do what you need to do and I’ll wait for you.
But I need to know if I need to move on.
Have a happy new year. Tell my cats I said hi.
From: k**********@g********
Date: Tue, 01/01/19 at 05:58 AM
Subject: Ah.
I think you blocked my other email. So doing this makes me look crazy. But I really need to know some stuff.
Do you miss me? Do you still love me? Is there a chance we’ll ever end up back together? Do you want to be back with me?
I would like you to be honest. It’s okay if the answers are all no. And that you never want to see me again. I’ll be hurt, but I then I’ll move on. Or try to.
But if you want to be together again, I’m willing to talk out what we need to fix. I’m willing to make some changes. I’ll wait for you while you go through what you need to.
I miss you alot. More than I’ve ever missed anything or one in my life. My heart aches when I walk in a mall, or grocery shop, or get my car fixed. I’m okay with never having a commitment ceremony. Being with you was enough.
I’m okay with you sleeping around, being with you was enough.
I didnt realize how much I genuinely and truly loved you with my everything. And I’m being honest with you because I know I’ve said mean things put of pain. And ive been lying to myself and my friends.
I dont care if we never say I love you, because you dont like it. I miss being with you.
It’s okay if you reject me, I just really wanted go be honest with you and myself.
It was around this time that I started toying with the idea of compiling K****’s communications into a project about narcissism. I had been getting voicemails from them this whole time (sadly, I accidentally deleted all of these), but figured that, if they were leaving me voicemails, they were probably also leaving me texts. So once I felt like I was emotionally stable enough to see what else they were sending, I unblocked their number.
